Jake's Garage Sale

by Ash Williams


At the start of 2012, I wanted to sell all of my stuff 'cos I was moving to L.A. So, I created a garage sale called 'Jake's garage sale'. The thing is, I am Jake. I created Jake, because everyone in my apartment complex knows me, and they would want mates rates. The great thing about Jake is that he knows nobody, he has no friends, and he is all about sales. So, Jake sold all of my stuff, toasters, kettles, bean bags... people who I knew would come over to my apartment and would be shocked when I opened the door "Ashhhh I'm looking for Jake". I'd reply "Jake's not home...but you're for the toaster? Jake told me it's $45" They're like "yeah cool, I had no idea you had a housemate" (I lived in a one bedroom studio).  Then I'd say "yep, just so you know I'd give it to you cheaper, but it's not my stuff, it's Jakes. By the way I'm moving to L.A tomorrow." 


Cash giveaway

by Ash Williams


In the spirit of market research. Is anybody ready these blogs posts? If you are, then you can make some money. The first person to respond to ashwilliamscomedy@gmail.com saying 'I'm reading the blog' receives $10 cash in the mail. If this blog post is still displayed, nobody has responded yet. 


Free car

by Ash Williams


When I returned to Australia in 2015, I went into a major hire car company and enquired about their top line vehicles - a Nissan Micra, a good car,  three wheels, fits in your hand.

The car clerk said it was $50 a day. But the way it worked, was you only paid the $50, when you returned the car. I’m not an idiot... so I just never returned the car; that’s a FREE car.

If you’re thinking of doing this… you should.

There’s only one thing you have to do: don’t answer the phone, because Fabian will call, he will call every day. But he makes it pretty easy, because he doesn’t call from private numbers, so just save the number under Fabian (and then in brackets do not answer).

Once I saved Fabian's number without the do not answer and I answered the phone, it was Fabian, so I just hung up, I thought fuck he’s good.

One time Fabian left a voicemail. (UPLOAD VOICEMAIL)

The voicemail literally said "if you don’t return the car, you won’t be able to hire another car."

I thought... "But, I’ve already got a car bro". I’m good. Thank you, but no, I'm good. I mean two  cars would be great, but I think that's getting a little bit greedy.


Mannequin

by Ash Williams


In 2007, I was 24 and was doing some fit modeling - essentially just showing how certain clothes fit to fashion buyers. I was doing it a couple of times a week and was making about $500 cash a week which was big back then. One day, I got a call from my fit modeling agent saying "how would you like to be a mannequin? Your measurements are perfect for a new mannequin they are making in Hong Kong, and you will be in stores everywhere. All you need to do is get measured by a man name Adrian*, and the job is basically yours". The job was also paying $15,000. I said "great, I can go and see Adrian today".  

So I went to see Adrian who was a short half-asian man with coiffed hair wearing in a suit. He seemed very nervous for some reason. I walked in and said "alright, so what do you want me to do?" He said "take your clothes off so I can measure you". So I got changed into my underwear and he measured everywhere except my groin area. Then he said "In order to measure you properly, you need to take your underpants off"... I'd never auditioned to become a mannequin before, so I complied diligently. When Adrian was measuring my inner thighs, he was sweating and visibly shaking, at this point, he was on his knees and his eyes were literally 10cm away from my penis. He said "almost done" with his voice breaking. We did the last measurement and Adrian looked like he was about to faint. I said "are you alright bro?" He said "yeah, it's just really hot in here, your measurements were spot on". I left the meeting confident I would be the next Hong Kong mannequin.

My agent called me that afternoon and asked how it went, and I said "yeah really well, I just got fully nude and got mannequin measured". My agent said "what do you mean fully nude?" I said "fully nude, yeah Adrian said he needed to measure me with no underwear on". My agent said "oh wow, that's not normal, I will need to have a talk to Adrian." I said "Look, don't be too hard on Adrian, he said my measurements were great and I really want this mannequin money".

In the end I didn't get the mannequin job, and I never heard from Adrian again. 

* Names have been changed in this story. 


Plane ride

by Ash Williams


I took a plane ride yesterday. The flight was at 5:30am and I was wearing a drenched shirt, because I took it out of the washing machine early. On the flight a few things happened:

The guy in front of me was watching a TV show where cars get crushed. It was literally one-after-another ‘car crushing’ for an hour... I’m talking over 500 cars crushed. He also crushed about 2 litres of OJ. Absolute animal.

To my front right, there was a 55 year old male fast asleep whilst listening to ACDC 'Thunderstruck' on loop. Absolute animal. 

To my direct right was a man who should compete as a professional eater. He ate a slice of pizza in 20 seconds. Absolute animal. 

And then... to my left were two Japanese tourists who were also fast asleep. I think I captured the plane trip with the below photo and caption:

Early morning business flight with my team. We couldn’t be more ready for deals.

Early morning business flight with my team. We couldn’t be more ready for deals.

 

 


Hire car 1

by Ash Williams


When I arrived in L.A in Feb 2012, I had money to burn and I wanted to hit the ground running. I wanted to be in a Hollywood film, and I knew the fastest way to do this was to be spotted. I also needed a hire car... so I knew my hire car had to be a convertible. My friend Cristian had put me in touch with an L.A hire car guy, Guillermo, who said that he had one convertible in stock and it was a fluro red Mini Cooper, I said 'perfect, how much?' he said '$1,000 US per month'. I did the maths in my head, and knew I had enough to hire the Mini-Cooper convertible for 3 months... and surely 3 months would be more than enough time be spotted by a Hollywood agent, especially considering I'd be driving with the roof down day and night. The 3 months flew and I got lots of attention; I was even stopped by a Hollywood agent who ended up not being a Hollywood agent. 

 


Romance Novels

by Ash Williams


Today is Valentines Day, so it seems appropriate to write about romance. In 2013, I had a business meeting to be on the cover of romance novels. At the meeting the lady said she would love to have me on the romance covers, and even better, she paid for my coffee.

She said I would be paid $200 cash and I would be dressed as vikings, poets, kings and farmers. Over 10 hours, I did 50 romance covers.  I've haven't done the math, but I think it was a good deal. 

Check out some of the romance novels below:  


Business Dancing

by Ash Williams


In 2012, I was booked to be the official dancer for the small business expo in downtown Los Angeles. I danced for 3 hours, I was paid $150, and I wasn’t allowed to talk.

And why was I dancing? I was dancing to embody a man who's quit his job, then started his own business and is so excited, and so rich that he can’t stop dancing (the direct opposite to my life where I was out of money and wish I hadn't quit my job in Australia). 

I rode my push bike to that job. It took me two hours to ride there and two hours to ride back.

The dancing itself consisted of doing 15 minute shifts with a professional dancer - who was absolutely killing it, he was doing spins and kicks, it was impressive - but the business expo boss came up to me and said “you were way more realistic” I said “yeah I know, I’ve got a business degree”.

Real footage below:

P.S A few months later the business expo boss asked me to dance at another expo, but this time he only wanted to pay me $125.00. I said "it's $150.00 cash, take it or leave it", he said "leave it". 


Homeless mansion

by Ash Williams


When I was living in Los Angeles, I was either homeless or living in a mansion... I felt like a contestant on The Bachelor.


Uber topless

by Ash Williams


In Los Angeles, I found a job on the Internet to pick up a guy named Tony from the airport and drop him at a hen's party. The job paid $125.00 cash. The deal was, when we arrived at the hen's party, the guy I collected would walk in as a surprise (because he lived interstate), then I would walk in 10 seconds later as a second surprise... and I would be topless. When I picked the guy up from the airport, he got into my white van (which I hired for the job) and he was very excited. He was a flamboyant Mexican guy and he said can you take your shirt off now for the drive? I said "yeah sure, that's going to be an extra $50 though". He said "deal". The moral of the story is there's always a deal to be done. 

By the way, this was the actual text correspondence:

Tony: Hey Ash, are we still on for tonight?

Ash: yeah bro

Tony: sweet I’ll text you when I land

So confirming it's $25 for the ride then once the hour starts with the girls it’s another $100?

Ash: yes :)

Tony: are you fine with the gay boys molesting you?

Ash: haha not quite molesting

Tony: :)

Ash: I thought it was girls? I do gay parties all the time, but girls can touch more than guys.

Tony: it’s 6 girls and two gay boys haha

Ash: haha cool

Tony: just landed. American eagle. Guy in white shirt.

 


G-String Waiter

by Ash Williams


I started my show business career as a g-string waiter. One time, 5 woman tackled me to the ground. The security guard yelled out to me "do you want me to get them off?" I yelled back "nah mate, this is awesome!".


Property

by Ash Williams


My friend just bought his 5th property. I’m also into property... I own over 50 email addresses.


Uber

by Ash Williams


Ubers are great because you get free water. So, I only book Ubers when I'm thirsty.

When the driver asks me 'where to mate? I respond 'just a couple laps of the block thanks mate, I'm here for the water'.


Next door neighbour

by Ash Williams


I live in an apartment where I can see directly into my neighbours bedroom, and my neighbour can we into my apartment. We often see each other naked and get on with our lives. But today we walked past each other in the street, and gazed at one another with an air of familiarity, then it clicked, we both 'that's the naked neighbour'.  


Kids menu

by Ash Williams


This might be the best idea I’ve ever had... for breakfast I just ordered EVERYTHING on the ‘kids menu’.

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Backting

by Ash Williams


I play a character on 'Neighbours' at the moment who has a sore back. People keep asking me “have you actually hurt your back?”. Well, the truth is I’m flattered. I’m flattered because my back is perfectly fine, and I’ve just been “backting”.


Judge Gina

by Ash Williams


Have you heard of the TV show "Judge Judy"? Well, in 2014 I landed the plum role as 'the wardon' in the Australian remake called "Judge Gina" (with Gina Liano from The Real Housewives). Gina has a real law degree, and I pretended to have a real wardon degree. We filmed in a pilot, but sadly it was never picked up. 


Iced Coffee Refills

by Ash Williams


When I used to live in America, I went to Starbucks everyday to buy iced coffee. I would order a  "venti" Iced Coffee, and "venti" is Italian for massive.

It's $2.95 for a venti iced coffee, but here's the kicker... it's only 50c for a refill. So, all you need to do is keep the same cup, and you have refills for life. Now, if you want to do this, there's a few things you should do:

Fill your empty cup with ice - Very often barrista's would become suspicious that I wasn't buying a new venti each day, to combat this keep some ice in an esky somewhere, and fill your cup to the brim. So then when the barrista says "did you buy that today?", you say "look, there's ice in it, I just drank it".  

Tip - If you're getting a suspicious vibe of the barrista give them a tip, preferably cash. It doesn't gave to be much, $1 will do. And make a big song and dance about it, so they remember that you're the guy who tipped. This should buy you 3-4 unquestioned refills. 

Accent - If they're onto you, put on an accent. I use British a lot and it works well: "give me my refill please... I'm better than you".  

Disguise - If you're going for the accent then why not go all the way with a wig or some make up. 

Good luck, you will save money doing this, exactly $2.45 per refill. The more you drink the more you save. 


Sacha Baron Cohen

by Ash Williams


I once saw Sacha Baron Cohen in Los Angeles. It was 10am and he was crossing the road eating a burrito. What shocked me was that he didn't even look hungry. I thought "wow, he must be so rich... to be able to eat when he's not even hungry".