Maury Povich

by Ash Williams


Los Angeles, 2013: Maury Povich is today's version of Jerry Springer. Every morning I would get on Craigslist (job website) and apply for over 30 jobs, so when the phone rang it could have been anyone. One day the phone rang and it was some guy saying he could get me on Maury Povich. He explained he's been on the show three times before and reckons we would make a great double-act. He said, once we've perfected our story and act we could make as much as $500 each! I told him I was keen and to call me back. He called be back with a storyline - he was going to be my landlord and I was going to be his tenant who trashed the house and owed rent, and then we were going to get into a pre-planned fight with some fake fighting moves (that he knew and was going to teach me). We agreed to catch up, rehearse our act and practise fight moves.

We never caught up and I never heard from him again.

P.S I will find the actual correspondence I had with this guy and update this post. 

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Motel 6 (Part 1)

by Ash Williams


Los Angeles, 2014: One week I'd be living in a Beverly Hills mansion, the next week I'd be homeless. And when I had no where to go, I used to stay at 'Motel 6' in Van Nuys. Motel 6 was my backup plan to a backup plan.

They called it 'Motel 6' because that's it's score out of 100.

And I used to only stay there when I was desperate, or when I was down to my last 70 bucks. Here are some REAL trip advisor reviews on Motel 6:

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0 Excellents and 30 terribles. This place is classy.

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It says here "no maid service" and that's why I liked it, you would wake up, and have to make your own bed, it felt like home. 

I ended up getting a life ban from this motel.

To be continued...

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Massage Oil

by Ash Williams


July 2013, Los Angeles: I came across a modelling ad for a sports catalogue, paying $250.00. I thought this is going to be easy.

The photographers name was John, and he had 5 email addresses - I thought that was strange - he said let's meet at a hotel room at 5pm on Saturday - I also thought that was strange. But, I needed the $250.

I walked into the hotel room and there was a 70 year old man with a camera, I said "what's the story here bro?"  how are you paying for this? he said nothing, smiled and flashed me $250 cash sitting in his top pocket. I said "beautiful, let's start shooting"

John had an array of necklaces on the bed, I’d shoot with one and then we'd changed it up and did a different necklace. Here is one of the photos:

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Then John wanted to put some massage oil on me, but I didn't want to put the oil on because I thought he was trying to drug me, so I just splashed my body with water, I came out and John said “no, there’s not enough oil on”  I splashed even more water on my body and John again was unsatisfied with the shine on my abs. So I went back into the bathroom and this time without thinking I used the massage oil. I was concerned but I thought surely John hasn’t drugged the oil.

I was now covered in John’s massage oil. Five minutes later I felt incredibly drowsy.

I was now lying on the bed and I thought  "fuck, he’s got me, he’s drugged me. This guy’s good. I’m fucked now."

I texted my mate and said  "I’ve had a good run but it’s over, this guy has drugged me with the massage oil, please tell my Mum and family I love them.

In this photo, I remember the specific moment, that’s me thinking I’ve been drugged and I’m gonna die.

 I call this photo 'sleepy surfer'. 

I call this photo 'sleepy surfer'. 

 

After this photo was taken I fell asleep for 5 minutes. Then I woke up.

And it turns out I wasn't drugged at all, I was just sleepy.

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Arm pit sniffer

by Ash Williams


Los Angeles, 2014: I was running some group personal training sessions for some extra cash. At the end of a group session we took a photo and the girl next to me was much shorter than I was, so short in fact, that her head was in my arm-pit.

After the photo was taken, I said "sorry Dana, my arm pit was in your face". She said "oh no, I love it, can I have another sniff?" I didn't want to be rude, so I obliged. She had a big sniff and said "yummy" and walked away.

I thought that would be the end of it, but next time she came in for a workout, she was loitering around after the session. I said "you all good Dana?" and she said "can I have another cheeky sniff?". And I'm a nice guy, so I'm like "yeah, but they are pretty smelly today Dana" and she goes "oh I like them even more when they're smelly, yummy!"

And this went on everyday for 2 weeks. It got to the point where people had caught onto the arm-pit sniffing activities and would hide behind the corner and watch. At one point there were 10-15 voyeurs watching Dana sniffing my arm pits, fortunately Dana was oblivious to this as she was too busy inhaling my body odour. 

After the two weeks, I told Dana no more arm pit sniffing. I explained that I've got to maintain my dignity, and that if she wanted arm pit sniffs in the future she would have to pay for them. 

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Tickle Video (Part 1)

by Ash Williams


June 2013, Los Angeles: I had two weeks to make rent. Rent was $900 US and I was starting with $200 (minus food expenses). 

As I did every morning, I trolled the jobs on Craigslist (a jobs website like seek.com.au but much dodgier). That morning, I found an opportunity to star in an online tickling video. You're probably thinking what I was thinking "what's the catch?"

So I called the guy up and said "hey man what's the go? He said "it's $350.00 bucks cash and I'll tickle you for 10 minutes, 30 seconds on, 30 seconds off.  You'll have suit pants on the whole time and I won't going anywhere near your fruit bowl". I said "sounds cool". He said  "as long as you are ticklish, I would like to book you for the role", I said "bro, I'm so ticklish".

The director of the tickling video told me to bring a suit, a shirt and three different pairs of underwear, because I'd be playing a hotel manager. 

I got given a script ( just like DiCaprio would get) I was playing a hotel manager called Jasper. I asked the director if I could be called 'Champagne', because I really wanted to be called Champagne, but the director said "no, champagne was a realistic name for a hotel manager". That's the thing when you're doing tickle videos, it has to be realistic.

To be continued...

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Next post

by Ash Williams


Which story would you like to hear next?

- Massage oil drugging

- Tickle video

- Implied Nudity contracts

Comment below

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A slippery slope

by Ash Williams


Los Angeles, 2013: I was doing a lot of jobs off the Internet, specifically Craigslist. And Craigslist is great because anyone can post a job and anyone can do the job. Craigslist is bad because you could get murdered.

I'd done over 100 Craigslist jobs, and I hadn't been murdered yet, so I liked my chances of staying alive. I was doing so many Craigslist jobs that people started approaching me via email. In those days I said yes to 99% of jobs, but there were some jobs I said no to, such as this one. This is exactly what the ad said:

"Your face will NOT be on camera. You will be get a BJ from a dude. No recip. req. For a website i'm putting together. Pays 200.00. For still pics only. Done this 6 times. Worked out well. Hygiene is important. Im clean and D&D free so you should be too. Send FACE pic and phone number. I am VERY discreet and chill and you should be too. U must be straight and OVER 18. Pays cash same day can work as early as today."

So on first impressions, this is a good gig. But, I said no to the job because I didn't trust the guy. Why did he need to see my face, if my face wasn't going to be on camera?

During negotiations like this, I was thankful that I had a business degree. 

 

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No dishes, no worries

by Ash Williams


2013, Los Angeles: I was renting a furnished studio apartment from a stranger I met on Craigslist.

There was a kitchen, but I never cooked in it. I preferred to buy pre-made salads and eat with plastic knives and forks, that way I would never have to do the dishes. I figured, I'd rather pay for takeaway that have to do the dishes. Then I'd throw all of the plastic bowls, utensils and wrappers in the bin once a month. The system worked well.

 

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The Organic Express

by Ash Williams


In 2001, I started an organic fruit and vegetable home delivery business with my friend, Dan, we called it 'The Organic Express'. It took us months to come up with the name but once we settled on the name, we thought we'd struck gold. Our logo was a train made out of vegetables - a carrot for the chassis, tomatoes for wheels and broccoli for exhaust - it looked really professional. Our business started out strong but we could never find any red capsicums at the organic market (apparently there was a shortage at the time). Fortunately, one day we realised that organic red capsicums looked exactly the same as the normal red capsicums at Safeway. We'd found a niche in the market and we quickly became known as the guys who could get organic red capsicums (which weren't organic). Sadly, demand for organic red capsicums declined and we declared bankruptcy after one month. 

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Commonwealth Games, New Delhi

by Ash Williams


2010, India: I was on the Nova breakfast radio show and our guest for the morning was Rhys Darby. At the time, the Commonwealth games were on in New Delhi, India, but there was nobody in the stands. Rhys suggested it would be funny if we sent someone to India to sit in the stands. An idea was born. That afternoon, I got my Indian visa and the next day I was on a flight to New Delhi. The idea blossomed into me dressing up in different outfits each day and trying to get on the television back in Australia. Radio listeners would then call up and say which events they saw me at, and what I was dressed up as.

My first outfit was pink panther. I was on the TV at the swimming the whole time. I should also mention I was in India on my own. And ironically, all of the events were sold out, but I managed to make friends with a scalper who charged me mates rates, which I later found out was double retail. 

 A photo of me dressed up as pink panther on my mates flat back TV. 

A photo of me dressed up as pink panther on my mates flat back TV. 

I had seven outfits, and with one of the outfits I needed a black tie. I asked the receptionist at my hotel if I could borrow his, and before I had finished the sentence, he had his tie off. Indian people are very hospitable and friendly. I thanked the receptionist for lending me his tie, although I think he may have been fired later in the day, for not wearing a tie. Below is a photo of the receptionist. I think his name started with a V.

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I was determined not to succumb to the dreaded 'Delhi belly' so I stuck to a strict diet of club sandwiches and pepsi. I would eat this for lunch and dinner. On the final day I was in a taxi on my way to the airport and I had a tummy rumble. It felt serious. But, I was only 5 minutes from the airport. By the time I got to the airport, it was a full scale emergency and I ran to the toilets. Alas, it was too late. The 'Delhi belly' got me in overtime and I had to throw my undies in the bin.

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Blog update

by Ash Williams


Good day to you!

     Just a quick one to say that if you've found these blogs then it seems you've stumbled into a back alley of the Internet. Well done! 

I will continue to write these blogs daily. If you could let me know which ones you're enjoying by commenting or 'liking' that would be swell.

Have a great day,

Ash x

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Tour Guide

by Ash Williams


2008, New Zealand: A tour guide company got in contact with me an asked if I would be interested in becoming a tour guide. My first assignment would be a tour of New Zealand with American students. I confidently accepted the job even though I'd never been to New Zealand and knew nothing about New Zealand.

The following week I was on the phone to the tour guide boss, a South African bloke by the name of Niko, and decided I better come clean. I said "Niko mate, I gotta tell ya, I've never been to New Zealand, and don't know too much about it". Niko was very relaxed. Niko said "Ash, it's fine, you work on tips, so if you sound like you know what you're talking about, the Americans will love it, and you will make a shitload of money". I said "sweet as Niko, I can do that".

Two days into the New Zealand tour and everything was going to plan. I was sitting up the front of the bus on the microphone just making things up, for example, every mountain I'd see I would just say "that's a volcano", and then extrapolate on whether the volcano was alive or dormant etc... the American students and teachers were drinking it up. I was sitting back thinking this job is too easy and I would make lots of tips. Later on that afternoon, I was on the mircophone making up some more stuff and out of nowhere the bus driver, Colin, turned on his microphone and said "that's actually incorrect Ash, and you've been saying a lot of incorrect things". I had no idea the bus driver even had a microphone. I responded by saying "Colin's just joking", but the damage was done. Colin didn't look the kind of guy who would joke around. He was about 65 years old, grey hair, wore glasses and rarely smiled. 

For the following two days the bus driver, Colin, did not stop talking. Colin knew everything about New Zealand. The American tourists loved Colin, I even overheard one of the American tourists say "I know who I'm giving my tip to".

For the record, on those New Zealand tours, the bus drivers didn't usually get tipped as much as the tour guides, but on that specific tour, Colin received 90% of the tips. I never saw Colin again. 

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Pseudonyms

by Ash Williams


The Internet can be a dangerous place, so you need to create pseudonyms to stay safe. 

If you're considering a fake name, try and come up with a name that sounds real. On the Internet I am also know as:

Ash Asher

Ash Asherson

Jasper

Jake

Olivia

You will need to create emails to correspond to each pseudonym, but your safety is paramount! Good luck! 

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Gay Bar - Arbitrary services

by Ash Williams


June 2012, Los Angeles: My gay bar business was going well and my nipples couldn't keep up with the demand. 

On one particular night, I was talking to a gay bar regular, Greg, who worked for Walt Dinsey (he gave me his business card several times). I was topless, wearing my suit pants and bow tie feeding him a vodka shots for $5 a pop; we were having a great time. Then, when I wasn't looking, Greg grabbed me by the belt and slid his hands down the back of my pants. I was twice the size of Greg so I quickly grabbed him before he did too much damage. Greg looked at me sheepishly like I'd caught his hand in the cookie jar... I said "Greg that was very naughty, have you got your credit card on you?". He said "yes, I'm sorry I was naughty, how much do I owe you Ash?" (luckily I studied the markets and knew what to charge for goods and services) so without hesitation I said "hands down the back of the pants is $300 Greg". Greg said "wow, that's a good deal" and laughed... I swiped his credit card and we both had a great night. That deal would end up being the highest single transaction my gay bar business would ever process. 

 

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'The Ash Williams Show'

by Ash Williams


I've given myself my own show, titled 'The Ash Williams Show'. In the first episode I have a business opportunity for a brand/person to get involved on the ground level (ground level is good). Also, first 100 subscibers get $1 (this is legally binding). To get a free download click here

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Internet glossary

by Ash Williams


I have done over 100 jobs off the Internet. And I've probably turned up to 50 jobs and walked away because it was dodgy. If you are looking to do jobs off the Internet, then save yourself time and money by understanding the true meaning of certain key phrases:

'Adult' means sex.

'Use of shade' means dick out.

'Very discreet' means public on internet.

'Implied nudity' means full frontal nudity.

'Semi-nude' means full frontal nudity.

'No nudity' means full frontal nudity.

Good luck!

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Gay Bar (Part 2)

by Ash Williams


Los Angeles, 2013: Running my gay bar business was going great. I got paid in cash and didn't declare any of my earnings to the tax man. Before I would start work I would drink 4 red bulls and ride my bike 15 minutes to the gay bar. I would be absolutely fucking charged after 4 red bulls. I would then find a safe pole to lock my bike to (on busy nights I would lock my bike further away than usual because lots of drunk dudes pissed on my bike). I would walk in, and take a look at the crowd, and usually ask the bouncer "how are they tonight?" To which he would usually grunt or give me a smirk. I would go out the back and start pouring my vodka mix, I didn't know the vodka mix recipe but luckily my colleague did. We would sell the vodka shots at $5 a pop, and we would keep $1 from every sale. I quickly realised that I was working for the man. I'd read Robert Kyosaki's "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and knew I needed to exit the 'rat race'. So within the gay bar, I start my own side business.

Here was the pricing structure:  $2 for a hug: Standard hug, no more than 5 seconds.

                                                    $5 for a photo: A cost effective options for groups of guys.

                                                    $10 for a nipple suck: The nipple suck was a vodka chaser. Whipped cream is free and optional, you can choose the nipple, have a good suck, you've paid for it. I've actually got bitten pretty badly doing that, but $10 is $10 right, you understand it's business. (The nipple sucks ended up getting so popular that the price could very between $10 to $50 depending on busy it was. And if I'd already made $250 for the night, I would just shut down the nipples sucks for the night and relax).

Business was booming.

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Implied Nude (Part 2)

by Ash Williams


San Francisco, 2013: So I arrive in San Francisco and Alain drives me 3 hours to get to his studio. It was my first time in San Francisco and I was excited to check it out, I was enjoying it so far from Alain's car even though he was speeding (I think he just wanted to start taking photos ASAP). When we arrived as Alain's studio, he showed me some snacks and said "the muesli bars, carrots and hommus are for you, we won't touch even them, now get changed into your first outfit". The first outfit was a sheer g-string. I said "hey Alain, what's this? It's meant to be implied nudity, you know, it looks like I'm nude but I'm not". Alain said "it's fine we'll add shadows later". I took Alain's word for it, because I'd never done an implied nude photo shoot before.

As I stood there in my sheer g-string I saw another photographer getting her camera ready, I said to Alain, "who's she bro? Why does she have a camera too?" Alain said "oh, she is another photographer and wanted to take some pics too". I said "no worries, but that's going to be another $150.00 bro". They whispered to each other, and agreed on the deal. 

We started shooting and I wasn't sure how the sheer g-string would appear in the shots, so we snapped a few frames and I told Alain to give me a look. When Alain showed me it was a clear photo of my cock. I said to Alain "that's my dick bro", he said "where?" I said "stop being silly Alain, there!" Alain then said “Oh there, um please Ash, I'll add shadow I promise". The lady photographer then said “Alain, legally, I don't think we can do that". Alain and I negotiated for ten minutes and then we compromised on "wet cloth hugging the shaft” - Alain’s words.

We shot for 10 hours straight. As Alain snapped away I literally heard him whisper to himself "this is my dream" several times. When I left I asked Alain what's the photos were for? He replied "my folio".

I made $900 for the job. At the point, the most money I had made from a job in America. A great day of business. Below is one photo from Alain's photo shoot. I have over 60 including the sheer g-string shots. 

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Implied Nude (Part 1)

by Ash Williams


Los Angeles/San Francisco 2013: I was offered an implied nude photoshoot by a photographer named Alain. After three weeks of negotiation we agreed on a rate of $600. That $600 included return flights and transport from L.A and the $600 would be cash on the day. Alain accepted my terms and flew me to San Francisco to take photos of me. I'd never met Alain, and I met him on Craigslist. I was well aware that I might get murdered by Alain. 

When I landed in San Francisco Alain picked me up personally and said "buckle up, we have a long drive ahead of us". Before I hopped into Alain's car, I took a photo of his car and number plate and texted it to my friend in L.A saying "if you don't hear from me by 8pm call the cops."

Below is the photo I texted:  

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Daily Telegraph

by Ash Williams


I recently got a call from my publicist saying that The Daily Telegraph (Australian newspaper) wanted to do a story on me. I said "sweet, give them my personal number and tell them to call me". A few days later I get call saying "it’s Sam from the Daily Telegraph, is that Ash Williams?” I said “yep it’s me mate, you’ve come straight through, you want to interview me yeah?” he said “what?” I said "you know, I've got some comedy shows coming up, I'm on Neighbours, you’re calling about the interview”, he said “nah Mr Williams, I don’t know what your talking about... I’m calling about your daily telegraph subscription, your credit card has been declined" I said "oh right... yeah, how much?" he said "$9 a week", I said "cool bro, just give me a few days to get the cash together".  Fast forward two weeks and Sam won't stop calling me; he calls me every day. He just called me then, and it's a Sunday! Sam if you’re reading this, stop calling me, my credit card is maxed. 

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