Damon's house

by Ash Williams


In 2012, I was in L.A and needed a place to stay. My friend Josh told me that his mate, Damon, had a place available. I had never met Damon, although we ran in similar circles. I messaged him on Facebook and he agreed to let me stay at his house for a week. As Damon was out of town, he told me to get the keys off Josh. So on Wednesday I was given the keys, but I wasn't meant to move in until the Friday. Nonetheless, as the apartment was vacant, so I thought I'd go and suss out my new digs. After popping in on that afternoon, I decided to move in early, after all who would find out? Then on the Thursday morning I got a text from Josh:

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  I wasn't concerned. Lo and behold on the Thursday night at about 11pm I was watching Conan and I heard some suitcase wheels approaching the door. I hoped it wasn't Damon, because I wasn't supposed to be in his house until the following day. The suitcase wheels got louder and louder as I began to sit up from the couch. Then I heard the sound of a key going into the door, and I was on full alert, and knew I was going to have to think quick. The doors swings open, and before Damon can see me, I say loudly and confidently "you're home early". Damon says "what the fuck!?". I say "I'm Ash bro, nice to meet you. What are you doing home so early?" He says "you're in my house". At this stage, there is shit everywhere - used protein shakes, salad containers, burritos wrappers. And Damon took a moment to look around at the garbage that covered his apartment; I said "mate trust me, it's not as bad as it looks". He said "where is all my stuff". I said "I know where everything is, what are you after?" Damon sits down, he can't believe it. His face is vampire white and he looks like he's going to be sick; I said "can I get you a drink of water mate?" He said "what? no!" and then proceeded to walk into his bedroom and screams "OH MY GOD! you've been sleeping in my bed. I haven't even got clean sheets to sleep in". I said "I only slept in them once, and I'm not dirty". At this point Damon was very distressed and pacing about the room. I said "do you want me to sort you out a hotel?" he responded angrily "What! You think you're staying here?!" I said "I thought you wanted clean sheets". I sensed things were tense, so I said "look, I'm going to leave bro". Damon agreed this was a good idea. I gathered my empty protein and salad containers and walked out the door. As I stood on the nature strip outside Damon's, I texted Josh the bad news:  

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The following day, I knew I needed to come back to Damon with a new offer. I direct messaged him on Facebook and offered him a heartfelt apology and then offered him 25% more in rent. Damon appreciated the gesture and I moved back in that afternoon. I even drove Damon to the airport. 

Side note: Josh and Damon would go on to get nominated for an academy award. I would go on to do a tickling video. 

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