Mean Girls

by Ash Williams

In 2012, I was living in Los Angeles and I needed a place to stay. One morning, I was in the gym, and I use to train at Equinox. And Equinox was the most expensive gym in Los Angeles but it was worth it because that's where all of the celebrities trained; like Fabio, The Rock, Cameron Diaz from The Mask, yeah same one! Just to give you an idea of the celebrity access... Cameron Diaz from The Mask would get on the hamstring curl, then she would get off the hamstring curl, and then I would get on the hamstring curl... I wouldn't even wipe it down. That's good access.


So I'm in the gym drinking a protein shake thinking where am I gonna stay and this guy comes up to me. Do you recognise this bloke? 




And I thought I know this bloke, then I realised it was the guy from Mean Girls. I thought to myself "stay cool, stay cool", then he comes up to me and he says "hey, I saw you working out, and I thought I'd come over and say hi." And I'm like "yeah man, I'm glad you did!".  

Then he says "I'm filming a big movie out of town for 6 weeks, do you wanna look after my man cave?"

I didn't know what a man cave was, but I said "yes means girls, I want to stay in your man cave."

He said "all you've gotta do is feed my dog". I thought feed ya dog, mate I will fuck ya dog if you want me to". For 6 weeks free accommodation I will be in a committed relationship with your dog. I was desperate.  He said come around tomorrow and collect the keys and meet my dog. 

So I went around to his place on Hollywood Boulevard and he opens the doors and says "welcome to the man cave, everything you see is yours"

It was just like that scene in The Lion King when Moufassa says to Simba everything the light touches is yours. I'd finally found my Moufassa. Everything was going to be alright.

He showed me the bed and said "it's a brand new work bench bro, never been used." I thought "that's very generous mean girls, an old work bench would be fine." Then he says "Ash I like you" I said "I like you too mean girls, you're my best friend." Then he says  "I wanna introduce you to my agent, she would like you, (and mean girls agent was BIG TIME! I thought I could be the next Hemsworth). Mean girls asks "whats your website?" I replied eagerly "well it's" thinking "I thought lucky I got the website. after all of these years, it's finally paying off. I sat back on mean girls couch basking in the moment. 

Mean Girls opens his laptop to bring up my website, but when he opens it a porno was playing, he said "sorry man, I was just watching this before you came over." I said "no worries"

Hey said "do you like titties?" I said "yeah man, I like titties."

Then within a second, he grabs a cord, jams it into his laptop and now we're watching it on a 70 inch plasma. I"M WATCHING A PORNO WITH THE GUY FROM MEAN GIRLS ON A GIANT PLASMA. Classic Hollywood

He said "look at those titties. you like those titties? I said "yeah man, I still like the titties. nothing has changed."

He continued "well, this is the man cave, a place to relax, there's tissues there and moistueriser, it's the man cave." I thought "yes this is the man cave. but hang on, what's going on!?."

He was wearing tracksuit pants and he puts his hand down his pants, and I thought "wow, this guy from mean girls is acting nothing like his character in the movie."

Then he said "I'm so horny man, are you horny? I said "nah mate".

After a long pause I said "hey, we should continue the tour of the house, I haven't seen the kitchen, and where's the hell is this dog? 

He ignored my suggestion and said "oh oh" I said "what?"  (scared of what he might say next) he replied "I'm on a major chubby dude". 

I thought I'm not sure what a major chubby is, bur I think I can guess... HOLY SHIT!

I didn't want to offend him so I just said "ah that's nice". At this stage, I was loving it, but I was fucking scared. 

Then he said on the count of three let's get our cocks out... now you've gotta remember I really wanted this house.

I quickly considered my options and said "lets not get our cocks out, let's just enjoy the film, we don't even know her back story...where she grew up...she seems like a nice girl.

He then said "Oh my God! You Aussies are crazy you wanna see my cock, I love it" - and by this stage the major chubby was getting out of control, I thought "what the fuck is this thing", I'm gonna have to kill it, how do you kill a major chubby? Unfortunately, I didn't learn that in business school.

Realising I was getting into dangerous territory, I replied hastily "I literally didn't say any of those words. Look I've gotta go. thank you for the tour, I've really enjoyed my time at the man cave. Let me know when I can pick the keys up."

He said "cool bro" and he went to shake my hand...I waved my index finger and said "I don't think so mean girls... not with that hand. we both know were that hand's been"

So we just hugged (for ages, because he wouldn't let me go), and he wasn't lying about that major chubby.

So I left thinking that went pretty well. And I would keep my phone fully charged waiting for his call.  

But to this day the phone would never ring, even today... I checked this afternoon.

And I never spoke to mean girls again, and it turns out he was never going away to film at all, and invited me around to his house just because I think he wanted to see my yeah, this isn't a Hollywood fairytale.

From that day I never watched mean girls again... the same way. It's now a completely different film for me. It's pretty hardcore. 

Anyone on a major chubby right now?



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