The Couch

by Ash Williams


Anyone who's in business, like me, knows you can have unforeseen expenses.

In 2012, I was living in Los Angeles and I was on the monthly race to make budget (rent). Then I decided to can have some tasteful night out with some friends. I put down about a litre of vodka and 7 or 8 cans of red bull. What could go wrong?

I woke up in the morning, in bed nude and alone. never a good sign, and remembered absolutely nothing. I went into the kitchen and there was a hand written note from my housemate reading: 

"Ash, last night I found you naked in my office and it appears you have deafficated on my couch, start showing some more respect for the house, I am very upset about this. Rachael".

This was interesting news. I'm reading it and I was like "fuck!" So, I had a look at the couch, and sure enough there was shit all over it. It was disgusting.

Then, my other housemate Claire walked into the kitchen and said "what happened last night?", I said "yeah I dunno... it looks like someone shit on the couch?" (because at this point I was still trying to figure out if I was involved) and then Claire said "yeah and someone shit all over the driveway"

I went out to the driveway, and there were three big horse shits, it looked like a two-man job. It was like a "reverse easter egg hunt", every 'egg' I found the more, the more terrible it got. One of the shits was on fairfax avenue (that's a main road).  Claire asked me "if I thought it could be mud?" I said that  nah, it's shit 'cos there's flies on it". I explained to her that I felt violated, and that I think my friend Simon is responsible. However, even though I had no idea what had happened, I knew I did it, because I have done stuff like this before, and it looked like my work. 

I tried to get the couch dry cleaned; if f I shit on your couch, I'm gonna get it dry cleaned, that's just how I was raised. The cleaners arrived. They were two nice men from Mexico. They took one look at the couch and said  "is this poo?" I said "yeah, it's cat poo"...they looked at me incredulously, so I said "nah, it's my poo"...they laughed and said "we can try and get out out but this won't work". So, I had to throw the couch out. My mate had a van and said he would help me move it (he had to wait outside though, because Claire still thought he shit on the driveway). And then we disposed of the couch in the correct manner, by dumping it in the next street. It was a perfectly good couch, it just had shit on it.

I then had to have a long chat with Rachael, you don't know how someone is going to react when you shit on their couch. But I told her to relax, and said "it's not like I do it all the time, just sometimes." She took it well. 

So these unforseen expenses cost me - couch removal $100, flowers $15 (you shit on someone's couch, you buy them flowers, that's a rule), cleaning products $20. All up $135.00 down. Something I had not budgeted for in my race to make rent. 

And to this day, this story remains one of American history's greatest mysteries as people ponder was there a second shitter?

P.S. Below is the only photo I have of the couch. As you can the couch is white, and more evidence that the cat was involved. 

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