Executive Decision

by Ash Williams


2002, Melbourne: I was studying business at Deakin University. One day I was in the lift going to a class with my friend, Phoebe, and the lift doors opened and a couple entered the lift. The lift went up and then it suddenly stopped. The four of us all looked at each other. We waited for a few seconds and still no movement. We pressed the lift alarm and still nothing. Finally a voice came over the speakers saying "we are sending a lift mechanic to you as soon as possible". I knew this could be a problem as I had just skulled two litres of water and wasn't wearing a nappy.

It had been thirty minutes and there was still no sign of the lift mechanic. By this stage I was about to piss my pants. By chance, in my hand was an empty 600ml Mount Franklin bottle; I knew what I had to do. I said "hey guys, I need to tell you something, I'm about to piss my pants, now I know the lift is not big, but would you guys be cool if I pissed into a bottle in the corner?" Phoebe said "will you face the wall?". I said "yeah sure, whatever makes you feel more comfortable". The other couple just nodded.

As I started to wee into the Mount Franklin bottle I quickly realised that the bottle wasn't going to be big enough. Mid-way through I yelled out, "the bottles not big enough, what shall I do? Should I keep pissing? Should I piss on the walls?" Phoebe yelled "no!". There wasn't much time, luckily used my business training and made an executive decision to stop weeing. It was the first time I've ever done what is colloqially known as a  'half-piss' - it's similar to being really hungry but only having a bite of a banana, it satiates you for a bit. Fifteen minutes later the mechanic arrived, opened the lift doors, I exited with a bottle of piss and sprinted for the toilets. P.S Sadly I don't have any photos. 

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