Fake-boyfriend

by Ash Williams


July 2012, Los Angeles: I responded to an internet job on Craigslist that was looking for a tall handsome actor, I sent through my headshot and resume and got an after hours phone call from this girl, saying she got my email, she liked my look and asked "are you a good actor?" I said "yeah", she said "good because I need you to pretend to be my new boyfriend". I said "yep I can do that easy". She then said "also my ex-boyfriend and I just broke up and he is coming over to collect his stuff and I want to make him jealous" She assured me that I would love being her fake boyfriend because she is very hot, and that in order to make her ex-boyfriend really jealous we would probably have to kiss. I said "Sure, I'm an actor". The she said "you should know, my ex-boyfriend is pretty crazy, but he probably won't punch you because you're much bigger than him, you're 6ft 3 yeah?". I said "yeah". She ended by saying the job paid $150.00 cash.

So I said "sounds great", and that I'd call her back in 5 minutes; I had to process the offer. After pondering, I called her back and said it would $250 because of the danger involved (I figured the high possibility of getting my head kicked in was worth $100) but I'd make worth her while and kiss her big time and put on a show. She said "no", then I realised I really needed money, so said "how about $200". she said no again. I said, "ok, let's just make it the original $175.00" but she was adamant that it was a 150 dollar job. I said "ok, you've got me, let's just do it for $150.00", and she said "nah, I don't want you to be my fake-boyfriend anymore". So just like that I lost the job and my fake-girlfriend.

I think the moral of the story is to be careful when negotiating with girlfriends (or fake-girlfriends). 

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Euros of Hollywood

by Ash Williams


2014, Hollywood: I auditioned for a sunglasses commercial on Melrose Avenue. They were filming the auditions saying that they well also filming a reality TV show called 'Euros of Hollywood'. I did my sunglasses audition, and to see how the sunglasses fitted my face, they asked me to take my top off. I took my top off and they said "the sunglasses look great, we'll let you know". 

A few weeks later, I was in New Orleans doing another job and I got an email from a ‘Euros of Hollywood’ producer saying "you didn't get the sunglasses job, but we need you to sign a release form because we want to use your footage in the reality show". At that point, I knew I had him over a barrel. As I sat in my nice hotel room in New Orleans, I called him and said “thanks for the email, I will sign the waiver but I'm gonna need $250 cash”. The producer said “but, we literally haven’t paid anyone, this is a pilot”. I said “fine, then don’t use my footage”. He told me he’d call me back. When he rang back he said ‘we’ll pay you $250 cash”. When I arrived back in Los Angeles later that week, the producer met me on Santa Monica Blvd and gave me envelope with $250 cash. There's always a deal to be done. 

Here is the footage from the business meeting in 2014, that is now on a US reality show called 'Euros of Hollywood': 

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Pizza instructions

by Ash Williams


At the start of 2015, I came back to Australia and moved into a house with a woman, who just happened to be my Mum, what are the chances! 

Anyway, living with Mum is great because she makes me food. And when she can't make me food, she leaves instructions. Here's a pizza instruction: 

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As you can see, if the above note ever get's out, Domino's are finished. 

Now, let's get back to the letter... if you can decipher the hieroglyphics, I think it says 15-20mins, look via the glass and then it says "5 minutes before spread green basil" and placed on the letter is something I think is Basil.

But I didn't end up making the pizza because I didn't know where Mum kept the basil, she didn't leave me a treasure map to the basil... where's the basil Mum? 

P.S To be honest, I thought it was spinach anyway and that it was a trick letter. I thought "you're not fooling me Mum, I have a business degree and that's spinach, nice try." 

 

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Gay Bar (Part 1)

by Ash Williams


Los Angeles, 2012: I'd spent all of my Australian money and was down to my last $200. I needed a job. Preferably a job paying fast cash. Luckily, West Hollywood was the home of fast cash. 

Have you been to Santa Monica Blvd in West Hollywood? I have. Every day I would ride my bike past windows of guys dancing with money in their undies... I wanted that money.

On a Friday afternoon at 2pm I knocked on the door of a business called "Eleven Nightclub" (it was called Eleven because it opened at 11pm). A lady opened the door and I said "I want to be one of those undies dancers... with the money" She said well luckily the managers are here, so come out the back for an audition" - I thought "how good is Hollywood! It's just like the movies."

I walked out the back, and there were two guys sitting in chairs. I told them about my aspirations to be a undie dancer. One guy stood up (he was muscly and definitely on steroids) and put some music on, and then said "dance". So I just did some very basic side-to-side hip movement and said "obviously I will do more on the night". They weren't impressed.

Then they said take your top off and pants off. And I did, not full nude. just into my G (Unfortunately I had no money in my G at this stage, it was a "dry g" as they say in the biz). 

One of the guys "said you start tonight, start filling up that g". I thought "wow, what a wonderful business opportunity." After a beat I said "now before I start, can I come and watch first, just to see how it works?", they said "sure".

So I went down and the undie dancer made $500, but 500 guys touched his dick. I did the math and it wasn't good. But out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy with a fluorescent vodka tray, bow tie, no top, hot pants and I thought "that's classy, that's what I want to do". And that night I became the new vodka shot boy at an Eleven nightclub in West Hollywood.

Check out the photo below; The first week of running my new business: 

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Harley Davidson

by Ash Williams


In 2014, I auditioned for a Harley Davidson TV commercial. It was paying $10,000 US. 

When I arrived there was a middle aged casting director with styled grey hair, he looked like Richard Gere. I introduced myself and then Richard Gere said "time to try on the leather jacket".  I slipped into this jacket and everyone gasped. Richard Gere said "Bro, we’ve literally seen 50 dudes today and you’re the first guy who it fits perfectly. You’re our man." People were clapping and marvelling at how well the leather jacket fitted me. About ten people went up to the stylist and patted her on the back.

I thought, “fuck yes, I’m going to be rich”.

By this point there were fifteen people in the room, and someone said "oh wait, we forgot to ask, do you ride?". I said "yeah yeah yeah, big time". (I'd never ridden before, but rule number one of show business is to say yes to everything and worry about the truth later, this strategy had worked well for me in the past with a surfing commercial).

The casting agent said “what do you ride?” I said "you know, um Harley Davidson". He gave me a thumbs up. At this stage people were still amazed at how well the jacket fitted me; I overheard someone whisper "wow, the jacket is a perfect fit". I started thinking about what I'd spend the 10 grand on.

Then Richard Gere says "well, let's some footage of you riding the Harley." I go “yeah no worries” (thinking we will probably do this another day, and by then the job will be mine). 

The casting director says “great follow me”. I follow him through a door, then through another door that led to a carpark, and waiting for me in that car park was a Harley Davidson. The Harley Davidson was idling loudly. I was still wearing the leather jacket.

A cameraman yells loudly over the Harley “I"M ROLLING ALREADY, JUST DO SOME CIRCLES IN THE CAR PARK AND WE'RE DONE".  I walked up to the bike confidently thinking “how the hell am I going to fool them here?”. I'd seen "Magicians's Secret Revealed" just that week, and they made a motorcycle disappear, surely I could trick these guys into believing I can ride. 

I hopped on the bike and it almost toppled over. The owner of the Harley (some old dude with a beard) came running over and said "be careful". It wasn't a good start. I laughed it off and said “nice bike, how much is this bike worth?” he said "$100,000".

And another guy yelled out “and the jackets worth $1000”.

I gave him nod. A nod that said I'm impressed.

I said  "hey guys, my right leg is a bit shotty at the moment, why don't we just can do some still shots?"

They said "no no no we need the video." The crew were starting to get ancy, it was a hot day, like 40 degrees celsius. 

I was debating whether I should just try and ride this thing, maybe I could fluke it? But what if I crash it, it’s worth $100,000 bucks.

So I said to the main casting director “look, I’m going to be honest with ya, it’s been a while”.

He said “how long?” I said “twenty years”. And to be honest I didn’t really ride it well back then.

Richard Gere knew I couldn't ride a Harley, he said  “you better take the leather jacket off".

I got off the Harley, took the leather jacket off, walked out of the carpark and never saw them again. 

I then rode home on my bike, my push bike. 

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The Couch

by Ash Williams


Anyone who's in business, like me, knows you can have unforeseen expenses.

In 2012, I was living in Los Angeles and I was on the monthly race to make budget (rent). Then I decided to can have some tasteful night out with some friends. I put down about a litre of vodka and 7 or 8 cans of red bull. What could go wrong?

I woke up in the morning, in bed nude and alone. never a good sign, and remembered absolutely nothing. I went into the kitchen and there was a hand written note from my housemate reading: 

"Ash, last night I found you naked in my office and it appears you have deafficated on my couch, start showing some more respect for the house, I am very upset about this. Rachael".

This was interesting news. I'm reading it and I was like "fuck!" So, I had a look at the couch, and sure enough there was shit all over it. It was disgusting.

Then, my other housemate Claire walked into the kitchen and said "what happened last night?", I said "yeah I dunno... it looks like someone shit on the couch?" (because at this point I was still trying to figure out if I was involved) and then Claire said "yeah and someone shit all over the driveway"

I went out to the driveway, and there were three big horse shits, it looked like a two-man job. It was like a "reverse easter egg hunt", every 'egg' I found the more, the more terrible it got. One of the shits was on fairfax avenue (that's a main road).  Claire asked me "if I thought it could be mud?" I said that  nah, it's shit 'cos there's flies on it". I explained to her that I felt violated, and that I think my friend Simon is responsible. However, even though I had no idea what had happened, I knew I did it, because I have done stuff like this before, and it looked like my work. 

I tried to get the couch dry cleaned; if f I shit on your couch, I'm gonna get it dry cleaned, that's just how I was raised. The cleaners arrived. They were two nice men from Mexico. They took one look at the couch and said  "is this poo?" I said "yeah, it's cat poo"...they looked at me incredulously, so I said "nah, it's my poo"...they laughed and said "we can try and get out out but this won't work". So, I had to throw the couch out. My mate had a van and said he would help me move it (he had to wait outside though, because Claire still thought he shit on the driveway). And then we disposed of the couch in the correct manner, by dumping it in the next street. It was a perfectly good couch, it just had shit on it.

I then had to have a long chat with Rachael, you don't know how someone is going to react when you shit on their couch. But I told her to relax, and said "it's not like I do it all the time, just sometimes." She took it well. 

So these unforseen expenses cost me - couch removal $100, flowers $15 (you shit on someone's couch, you buy them flowers, that's a rule), cleaning products $20. All up $135.00 down. Something I had not budgeted for in my race to make rent. 

And to this day, this story remains one of American history's greatest mysteries as people ponder was there a second shitter?

P.S. Below is the only photo I have of the couch. As you can the couch is white, and more evidence that the cat was involved. 

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Mean Girls

by Ash Williams


In 2012, I was living in Los Angeles and I needed a place to stay. One morning, I was in the gym, and I use to train at Equinox. And Equinox was the most expensive gym in Los Angeles but it was worth it because that's where all of the celebrities trained; like Fabio, The Rock, Cameron Diaz from The Mask, yeah same one! Just to give you an idea of the celebrity access... Cameron Diaz from The Mask would get on the hamstring curl, then she would get off the hamstring curl, and then I would get on the hamstring curl... I wouldn't even wipe it down. That's good access.

 

So I'm in the gym drinking a protein shake thinking where am I gonna stay and this guy comes up to me. Do you recognise this bloke? 

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And I thought I know this bloke, then I realised it was the guy from Mean Girls. I thought to myself "stay cool, stay cool", then he comes up to me and he says "hey, I saw you working out, and I thought I'd come over and say hi." And I'm like "yeah man, I'm glad you did!".  

Then he says "I'm filming a big movie out of town for 6 weeks, do you wanna look after my man cave?"

I didn't know what a man cave was, but I said "yes means girls, I want to stay in your man cave."

He said "all you've gotta do is feed my dog". I thought feed ya dog, mate I will fuck ya dog if you want me to". For 6 weeks free accommodation I will be in a committed relationship with your dog. I was desperate.  He said come around tomorrow and collect the keys and meet my dog. 

So I went around to his place on Hollywood Boulevard and he opens the doors and says "welcome to the man cave, everything you see is yours"

It was just like that scene in The Lion King when Moufassa says to Simba everything the light touches is yours. I'd finally found my Moufassa. Everything was going to be alright.

He showed me the bed and said "it's a brand new work bench bro, never been used." I thought "that's very generous mean girls, an old work bench would be fine." Then he says "Ash I like you" I said "I like you too mean girls, you're my best friend." Then he says  "I wanna introduce you to my agent, she would like you, (and mean girls agent was BIG TIME! I thought I could be the next Hemsworth). Mean girls asks "whats your website?" I replied eagerly "well it's ashwilliams.com.au" thinking "I thought lucky I got the website. after all of these years, it's finally paying off. I sat back on mean girls couch basking in the moment. 

Mean Girls opens his laptop to bring up my website, but when he opens it a porno was playing, he said "sorry man, I was just watching this before you came over." I said "no worries"

Hey said "do you like titties?" I said "yeah man, I like titties."

Then within a second, he grabs a cord, jams it into his laptop and now we're watching it on a 70 inch plasma. I"M WATCHING A PORNO WITH THE GUY FROM MEAN GIRLS ON A GIANT PLASMA. Classic Hollywood

He said "look at those titties. you like those titties? I said "yeah man, I still like the titties. nothing has changed."

He continued "well, this is the man cave, a place to relax, there's tissues there and moistueriser, it's the man cave." I thought "yes this is the man cave. but hang on, what's going on!?."

He was wearing tracksuit pants and he puts his hand down his pants, and I thought "wow, this guy from mean girls is acting nothing like his character in the movie."

Then he said "I'm so horny man, are you horny? I said "nah mate".

After a long pause I said "hey, we should continue the tour of the house, I haven't seen the kitchen, and where's the hell is this dog? 

He ignored my suggestion and said "oh oh" I said "what?"  (scared of what he might say next) he replied "I'm on a major chubby dude". 

I thought I'm not sure what a major chubby is, bur I think I can guess... HOLY SHIT!

I didn't want to offend him so I just said "ah that's nice". At this stage, I was loving it, but I was fucking scared. 

Then he said on the count of three let's get our cocks out... now you've gotta remember I really wanted this house.

I quickly considered my options and said "lets not get our cocks out, let's just enjoy the film, we don't even know her back story...where she grew up...she seems like a nice girl.

He then said "Oh my God! You Aussies are crazy you wanna see my cock, I love it" - and by this stage the major chubby was getting out of control, I thought "what the fuck is this thing", I'm gonna have to kill it, how do you kill a major chubby? Unfortunately, I didn't learn that in business school.

Realising I was getting into dangerous territory, I replied hastily "I literally didn't say any of those words. Look I've gotta go. thank you for the tour, I've really enjoyed my time at the man cave. Let me know when I can pick the keys up."

He said "cool bro" and he went to shake my hand...I waved my index finger and said "I don't think so mean girls... not with that hand. we both know were that hand's been"

So we just hugged (for ages, because he wouldn't let me go), and he wasn't lying about that major chubby.

So I left thinking that went pretty well. And I would keep my phone fully charged waiting for his call.  

But to this day the phone would never ring, even today... I checked this afternoon.

And I never spoke to mean girls again, and it turns out he was never going away to film at all, and invited me around to his house just because I think he wanted to see my cock...so yeah, this isn't a Hollywood fairytale.

From that day I never watched mean girls again... the same way. It's now a completely different film for me. It's pretty hardcore. 

Anyone on a major chubby right now?

 

 

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Dirty Dancing

by Ash Williams


In 2009, I owned a staffing agency called "Hot Under The Collar". One day I received a phone call from a bridesmaid named Jess who was enquiring about entertainment for a hen's party. Specifically, she wanted a trained male dancer to re-enact the 'nobody puts baby in the corner scene' from Dirty Dancing with the hen, who's name was Jasna. She explained that there would be a lift involved, and Jasna really wants to be lifted in the air, she also said kept saying "watermelon", I had no idea what she was talking about but said "yeah we can do that". I immediately called one of my male dancers, Alex, and luckily he knew exactly what I was talking about, so I booked Alex for Saturday night. 

On the Friday night, Alex texted me and said he couldn't do it because he'd pulled his hamstring (true story). Alex's hamstrings had let me down. So I frantically started calling and texting all of the males dancers on my books, but sadly they were all booked for Saturday night (Saturday nights are prime time for a dancer). I didn't know what to do, but luckily I have a real business degree... so, I came to the conclusion that I would do the Dirty Dancing scene, I mean, how hard could it be?

I spent the following morning watching YouTubing clips of the watermelon scene, and rehearsed it in my bedroom (I still lived with my Mum). I explained to my Mum that my business was going well and that I had a big job that night. I also didn't tell Jess (the bridesmaid) that Alex couldn't make it, and thought I'd just pretend that I was Alex for two reasons: i) The bridesmaid has never met Alex, so she will never know ii) It makes Hot Under The Collar look like a small company if the director is doing all of the jobs. 

So I turned up to the job and unbeknownst to me, they had booked two topless waiters as well, through a competing agency. I recognised the first topless waiter straight away and he started walking over to me...I was praying that he didn't blow my cover, and he says "hey Ash, how are you?", I said "hey man, I'm Alex, Ash's brother", amazingly he bought it! An hour goes by and everything is going well as Alex until I see a girl that I know, she comes over and says "Ash! what the hell are you doing here?". I said "hey, yeah I'm Alex". She said "what? no you're Ash". I knew she knew, so I whispered in her ear "yeah ok, I am Ash, but please keep it to yourself, the bridesmaids think I'm Alex, and I need to maintain a professional image for my business" She literally didn't say anything and just walked off laughing... I hoped she would stay quiet. 

Then, the music comes on, and it's time for the dance. I go over the dance moves in my head, the bride approaches glowing and juiced up on champagne. And then we start, I do some basic interpretive stuff in the corner, and then I go for it... I lift up Jasna, as I raise her over my head I realise I've over-estimated my shoulder strength, my shoulder gives way and I suddenly drop Jasna on the dance floor... she lands with a thud... everyone gasps. But then... everyone laughs...and Jasna is laughing too, she kisses me and says "thank you", I said "you're welcome". 

The bridesmaid, Jess, came over and said great job Alex, and I said "look, I'm going to come clean, I'm actually Ash" and she goes "yeah I know, I've known the whole time, we've met before!" we laughed and shook hands on a successful business deal. 

See some of the actual photos fro the night below (scroll right):    

 

 

 

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Damon's house

by Ash Williams


In 2012, I was in L.A and needed a place to stay. My friend Josh told me that his mate, Damon, had a place available. I had never met Damon, although we ran in similar circles. I messaged him on Facebook and he agreed to let me stay at his house for a week. As Damon was out of town, he told me to get the keys off Josh. So on Wednesday I was given the keys, but I wasn't meant to move in until the Friday. Nonetheless, as the apartment was vacant, so I thought I'd go and suss out my new digs. After popping in on that afternoon, I decided to move in early, after all who would find out? Then on the Thursday morning I got a text from Josh:

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  I wasn't concerned. Lo and behold on the Thursday night at about 11pm I was watching Conan and I heard some suitcase wheels approaching the door. I hoped it wasn't Damon, because I wasn't supposed to be in his house until the following day. The suitcase wheels got louder and louder as I began to sit up from the couch. Then I heard the sound of a key going into the door, and I was on full alert, and knew I was going to have to think quick. The doors swings open, and before Damon can see me, I say loudly and confidently "you're home early". Damon says "what the fuck!?". I say "I'm Ash bro, nice to meet you. What are you doing home so early?" He says "you're in my house". At this stage, there is shit everywhere - used protein shakes, salad containers, burritos wrappers. And Damon took a moment to look around at the garbage that covered his apartment; I said "mate trust me, it's not as bad as it looks". He said "where is all my stuff". I said "I know where everything is, what are you after?" Damon sits down, he can't believe it. His face is vampire white and he looks like he's going to be sick; I said "can I get you a drink of water mate?" He said "what? no!" and then proceeded to walk into his bedroom and screams "OH MY GOD! you've been sleeping in my bed. I haven't even got clean sheets to sleep in". I said "I only slept in them once, and I'm not dirty". At this point Damon was very distressed and pacing about the room. I said "do you want me to sort you out a hotel?" he responded angrily "What! You think you're staying here?!" I said "I thought you wanted clean sheets". I sensed things were tense, so I said "look, I'm going to leave bro". Damon agreed this was a good idea. I gathered my empty protein and salad containers and walked out the door. As I stood on the nature strip outside Damon's, I texted Josh the bad news:  

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The following day, I knew I needed to come back to Damon with a new offer. I direct messaged him on Facebook and offered him a heartfelt apology and then offered him 25% more in rent. Damon appreciated the gesture and I moved back in that afternoon. I even drove Damon to the airport. 

Side note: Josh and Damon would go on to get nominated for an academy award. I would go on to do a tickling video. 

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Managing Director's Suite

by Ash Williams


In 2003, I had completed my business degree at Deakin (Melbourne campus) and decided to move to Perth with a couple of buddies - we had no leads for work in Perth, we just thought it would make a nice sea change. And sea change it was; the first couple of nights we slept on the beach. After coming to our senses and deciding to get into the property market. We met a real estate agent and in what was an efficient (if not disconcerting) business deal, we inspected the place, and got given the keys on the same day. The keys to a two-bedder commission flat at St Andrews in Claremont.

Now, let's be clear, this place was a dump, but it better than the beach (just). And St Andrews was the place to be if you wanted to be surrounded by ex-prisoners and people on the doll; I will get to the people who graced St Andrews in a later post, but for now I want to address the bedroom equation.

Our apartment had two bedrooms (I use the term bedroom loosely) as there was a double bed and a single bed situation. Also contained in the apartment was a small bathroom, a small kitchen, a small TV, and a blue futon couch.

Immediately the three of us realised one of us was going to be on the couch. And in the spirit of fairness we devised a system. The system would consist of a monthly rotating bedroom roster, utilising our three bedroom options.

  1. Managing Director's Suite: This was the premium option, and came with a double bed and fitted sheets. It also had a wardrobe and a view of the adjacent park. 
  2. Chubb Security: The second best bedding option. It came equipped with a single bed, no sheets, and backed onto the public walkway (which after 9pm was a dangerous place). You would be subject to constant screaming and police sirens but you could rest easy knowing that your windows were safely installed with the latest range of chubb security  window shutters. 
  3. Reception: As the name would suggest, you are the receptionist. The first port of call for any guests and as the receptionist your bed needed to be a working couch from 9am. If there was any semblance of a bed after 9am, a cash fine would be in play, usually around $10. The receptionist also had no say in when the TV should be turned off. If the Managing Director wanted to watched 'Paradise Hotel' at 2am in the morning, then he could without any discussion. Also, any damage done to the blue futon was the receptionist's responsibility. 

After initial negotiations, it was decided that I would take the MD suite. My rationale being that when I moved out, I would't compete a full rotation. This proved to be a great move, as I moved out 4 months later after enjoying one last month as the managing director. 

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Sales technique

by Ash Williams


Yesterday a homeless man approached my car. I thought he was going to ask for money, but he said "are you on Neighbours?" I said "yeah mate". He said "Rory is naughty. You are my favourite actor on the show". I said "thanks very much bro", and gave him $2 for the compliment. The homeless dude exhibited a flawless sales technique. 

And for anyone wondering where a homeless man watches TV... apparently he'd just spent a week in hospital with a TV. He's said he's all good, but misses the TV. 

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Jake's Garage Sale

by Ash Williams


At the start of 2012, I wanted to sell all of my stuff 'cos I was moving to L.A. So, I created a garage sale called 'Jake's garage sale'. The thing is, I am Jake. I created Jake, because everyone in my apartment complex knows me, and they would want mates rates. The great thing about Jake is that he knows nobody, he has no friends, and he is all about sales. So, Jake sold all of my stuff, toasters, kettles, bean bags... people who I knew would come over to my apartment and would be shocked when I opened the door "Ashhhh I'm looking for Jake". I'd reply "Jake's not home...but you're here for the toaster?" They're like "yeah cool, I had no idea you had a housemate, isn't this a one-bedroom? And I say "ah yeah, Jake sleeps on the couch".  They'd then say "can you do me a deal Ash?" And I'd reply "you know I'd love to do you a deal, but it's not my stuff, it's Jakes, and Jake says the toaster is $45. Oh by the way, I'm moving to L.A tomorrow." 

Check out some pics below. These pics were in the lift at my apartment building. P.S I don't have that phone number any more because I didn't pay the bill. 

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Cash giveaway

by Ash Williams


In the spirit of market research. Is anybody ready these blogs posts? If you are, then you can make some money. The first person to respond to ashwilliamscomedy@gmail.com saying 'I'm reading the blog' receives $10 cash in the mail. If this blog post is still displayed, nobody has responded yet*.

*This giveaway is now void. The money has been won. But check back for more cash giveaways!

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Free car

by Ash Williams


When I returned to Australia in 2015, I went into a major hire car company and enquired about their top line vehicle - a Nissan Micra, a good car, three wheels, fits in your hand.

The car clerk, Fabian, said it was $50 a day. But the way it worked, was you only paid the $50 when you returned the car. I’m not an idiot... so I just never returned the car; that’s a FREE car.

If you’re thinking of doing this… you should.

There’s only one thing you have to do: don’t answer the phone, because Fabian will call, he will call every day. But he makes it pretty easy, because he doesn’t call from private numbers, so just save the number under Fabian (and then in brackets do not answer).

Once I saved Fabian's number without the do not answer and I answered the phone, it was Fabian, so I just hung up, I thought fuck he’s good.

One time Fabian left a voicemail. Listen below:

 

The voicemail literally said "if you don’t return the car, you won’t be able to hire another car."

I thought... "But, I’ve already got a car bro". I’m good. Thank you, but no, I'm good. I mean two  cars would be great, but I think that's getting a little bit greedy.

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Mannequin

by Ash Williams


In 2007, I was 24 and was doing some fit modeling - essentially just showing how certain clothes fit to fashion buyers. I was doing it a couple of times a week and was making about $500 cash a week which was big back then. One day, I got a call from my fit modeling agent saying "how would you like to be a mannequin? Your measurements are perfect for a new mannequin they are making in Hong Kong, and you will be in stores everywhere. All you need to do is get measured by a man name Adrian*, and the job is basically yours". The job was also paying $15,000. I said "great, I can go and see Adrian today".  

So I went to see Adrian who was a short half-asian man with coiffed hair wearing in a suit. He seemed very nervous for some reason. I walked in and said "alright, so what do you want me to do?" He said "take your clothes off so I can measure you". So I got changed into my underwear and he measured everywhere except my groin area. Then he said "In order to measure you properly, you need to take your underpants off"... I'd never auditioned to become a mannequin before, so I complied diligently. When Adrian was measuring my inner thighs, he was sweating and visibly shaking, at this point, he was on his knees and his eyes were literally 10cm away from my penis. He said "almost done" with his voice breaking. We did the last measurement and Adrian looked like he was about to faint. I said "are you alright bro?" He said "yeah, it's just really hot in here, your measurements were spot on". I left the meeting confident I would be the next Hong Kong mannequin.

My agent called me that afternoon and asked how it went, and I said "yeah really well, I just got fully nude and got mannequin measured". My agent said "what do you mean fully nude?" I said "fully nude, yeah Adrian said he needed to measure me with no underwear on". My agent said "oh wow, that's not normal, I will need to have a talk to Adrian." I said "Look, don't be too hard on Adrian, he said my measurements were great and I really want this mannequin money".

In the end I didn't get the mannequin job, and I never heard from Adrian again. 

* Names have been changed in this story. 

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Plane ride

by Ash Williams


I took a plane ride yesterday. The flight was at 5:30am and I was wearing a drenched shirt, because I took it out of the washing machine early. On the flight a few things happened:

The guy in front of me was watching a TV show where cars get crushed. It was literally one-after-another ‘car crushing’ for an hour... I’m talking over 500 cars crushed. He also crushed about 2 litres of OJ. Absolute animal.

To my front right, there was a 55 year old male fast asleep whilst listening to ACDC 'Thunderstruck' on loop. Absolute animal. 

To my direct right was a man who should compete as a professional eater. He ate a slice of pizza in 20 seconds. Absolute animal. 

And then... to my left were two Japanese tourists who were also fast asleep. I think I captured the plane trip with the below photo and caption:

Early morning business flight with my team. We couldn’t be more ready for deals.

Early morning business flight with my team. We couldn’t be more ready for deals.

 

 

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Hire car 1

by Ash Williams


When I arrived in L.A in Feb 2012, I had money to burn and I wanted to hit the ground running. I wanted to be in a Hollywood film, and I knew the fastest way to do this was to be spotted. I also needed a hire car... so I knew my hire car had to be a convertible. My friend Cristian had put me in touch with an L.A hire car guy, Guillermo, who said that he had one convertible in stock and it was a fluro red Mini Cooper, I said 'perfect, how much?' he said '$1,000 US per month'. I did the maths in my head, and knew I had enough to hire the Mini-Cooper convertible for 3 months... and surely 3 months would be more than enough time be spotted by a Hollywood agent, especially considering I'd be driving with the roof down day and night. The 3 months flew and I got lots of attention; I was even stopped by a Hollywood agent who ended up not being a Hollywood agent. 

 

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Romance Novels

by Ash Williams


Today is Valentines Day, so it seems appropriate to write about romance. In 2013, I had a business meeting to be on the cover of romance novels. At the meeting the lady said she would love to have me on the romance covers, and even better, she paid for my coffee.

She said I would be paid $200 cash and I would be dressed as vikings, poets, kings and farmers. Over 10 hours, I did 50 romance covers.  I've haven't done the math, but I think it was a good deal. 

Check out some of the romance novels below:  

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Business Dancing

by Ash Williams


In 2012, I was booked to be the official dancer for the small business expo in downtown Los Angeles. I danced for 3 hours, I was paid $150, and I wasn’t allowed to talk.

And why was I dancing? I was dancing to embody a man who's quit his job, then started his own business and is so excited, and so rich that he can’t stop dancing (the direct opposite to my life where I was out of money and wish I hadn't quit my job in Australia). 

I rode my push bike to that job. It took me two hours to ride there and two hours to ride back.

The dancing itself consisted of doing 15 minute shifts with a professional dancer - who was absolutely killing it, he was doing spins and kicks, it was impressive - but the business expo boss came up to me and said “you were way more realistic” I said “yeah I know, I’ve got a business degree”.

Real footage below:

P.S A few months later the business expo boss asked me to dance at another expo, but this time he only wanted to pay me $125.00. I said "it's $150.00 cash, take it or leave it", he said "leave it". 

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Homeless mansion

by Ash Williams


When I was living in Los Angeles, I was either homeless or living in a mansion... I felt like a contestant on The Bachelor.

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